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The Dumpee Survival Guide
How to Keep Your Cool When You’ve Been Ditched
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Recently I wrote about being the dumper in a relationship. For all intents and purposes, you generally want to be that person. Who wants to be the other person who ends up standing in the rain with a wilted daffodil and a box of Goobers? Nobody. That’s who.
The thing that sucks most about being the dumpee is that usually closure doesn’t happen (and that you got dumped). I tend to think that closure isn’t always necessary. Then again, I like Ray J. But missing out on closure can render you a prisoner to your thoughts and every possible worst-case scenario then runs through your mind like Sonic the Hedeghog on speed. And it comes with the worst kind of pain-emptiness.
Even worse, you can’t give into any and every urge you have to stab the person who hurt you and took your cookies. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, getting dumped is ass. Because we’ve all been there and have hopefully learned from those tough, tough times, I here feel like I can provide some guidelines of what you shouldn’t do if you’re the dumpee in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.
10 THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T DO IF YOU GET TOLD TO KICK ROCKS
1. You shouldn’t call them every 5 minutes to curse them out like you want to do. Why? For one they’re not going to answer every time and a person like me isn’t actually going to ALLOW you to curse me out. Basically you’re expending a lot of energy you could be putting to more constructive activities, like mast*rb*tion or making Kool-Aid.
2. Don’t watch every sappy ass romantic movie you can think of. Why torture yourself…plus, chances are you didn’t really have that romance in the first place. You were more like Treach and Lisa-Nicole Carson in Jason’s Lyric.
3. Don’t re-read every email you have from them saved in their special folder. There generally aren’t any signs of your demise. Most people don’t exactly send you an email that says, “b*tch, i’d like you to die three ways from Tuesday.” The emails usually say “hello. how are you? i like your toes.”
4. At the same time, don’t delete them all either. What else are you going to read on those lonely Sundays. You’re alone now.
5. Do not follow them like they’re step-by-step directions from Google maps on Facebook or MySpace. This is such a bad look. You’ll never see what you want to see and you’ll see everything you don’t want to see, whether or not there’s actually anything to see. Get it? Got it? Good.
5b. If they have a blog…don’t read their blog everyday looking for some glimmer of hope that they’re going to write about how they miss you. They don’t. They’re going to write about Beyonce and Jay-Z — who are, ya know, still together.
6. Don’t pretend that you’re not broken up either. It’s just not a good look and just like white people know a Black person when they see one (don’t believe that Imitation of Life nonsense), people can sniff out a delusional person like a dog in heat in Miami.
7. Don’t cut up their sweatshirt that is still in your possession. That’s just wrong. And what if you want to wear it someday later? Now look what ya done did.
8. You also probably shouldn’t go having frivolous relations with some random cat on some getback vengeful type stuff. You know what happens then? Pregnancy.
9. Don’t cry yourself to sleep (if you can help it). Just watch porn.
And this is the most important one…
10. Do not forget that you didn’t lose them…they lost you. Truth be told, they may have done you a favor by removing themselves from your life.
Besides, there’s always SOMEBODY else that wants to sleep with you.